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Post by nucky on Dec 21, 2008 20:42:36 GMT -5
Critiques Appreciated for what I have so far.
Alone in a room. There is nothing here but a desk and two chairs. I am sitting in one of the chairs. It isn't soft; the wood is rather hard actually, but I sat in it yesterday and I don't mind. The door creaks open and you come in. Suddenly, my heart quickens as I remember yesterday, but I had enough mind to keep myself polite. Why, hello there. I reach my hand out to shake yours. You glance at me before clearing your throat and sitting down. I watch you shuffle papers nervously. I know you are nervous. For some reason, people were always nervous around me nowadays. First, that reporter guy and now you. And, as always, you start with the simplest question of all: "What's your name?" Luke, remember? I told you this yesterday. You nod and write things down. I wish you had neater handwriting, but your scrawl looks more alien than English. "Okay, Luke, why don't we start at the beginning?" You scribble more down, your pen moves too quick to follow. Your head lifts up for that rare bit of eye contact. I missed it. It's been awhile since you'd look me in the eyes. Then, you dropped them back to your scribbled writings, but I could tell you expected an answer. The beginning of what? I told you, I had nothing to do with that. It wasn't me. "I believe you," you say, "just tell me what happened." Your face looks kind. Yesterday, you were scary, yelling at me, and pointing fingers. Okay... but the beginning isn't the beginning for you. It's for me. |
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Post by tyandra on Dec 23, 2008 0:50:36 GMT -5
Critiques Appreciated for what I have so far.
Alone in a room. There is nothing here but a desk and two chairs. I am sitting in one of the chairs. It isn't soft; the wood is rather hard actually , but I sat in it yesterday and I don't mind. The door creaks open and you come in. Suddenly, my heart quickens as I remember yesterday , but I had enough mind to keep myself polite. Why, hello there.
I reach my hand out to shake yours. You glance at me before clearing your throat and sitting down. I watch you shuffle papers nervously. I know you are nervous. For some reason, people were always nervous around me nowadays. First, that reporter guy and now you. And, as always, you start with the simplest question of all: "What's your name?" Luke, remember? I told you this yesterday.
You nod and write things down. I wish you had neater handwriting , but your scrawl looks more alien than English. "Okay, Luke, why don't we start at the beginning?" You scribble more down, your pen moves too quick to follow. Your head lifts up for that rare bit of eye contact. I missed it. It's been awhile since you'd look me in the eyes. Then , you dropped them back to your scribbled writings , but I could tell you expected an answer. The beginning of what? I told you, I had nothing to do with that. It wasn't me.
"I believe you," you say, "just tell me what happened." Your face looks kind. Yesterday, you were scary, yelling at me, and pointing fingers. Okay... but the beginning isn't the beginning for you. It's for me.
After "but" there should be a coma. "Then" didn't need a coma after it. Also when your character speaks. Put quotation marks around the words. Example: "Why, hello there." I'm adding this because, it confused me. I didn't know whether the character was thinking to himself or, talking to the other character in the story. However, I love your story. Sort of reminds me of an old mob film the way you wrote it. xD Sorry for all the red. x.x |
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Post by nucky on Dec 23, 2008 16:46:21 GMT -5
Actually, my 'buts' (LOL) are grammatically correct. I'm keeping it like that. My character is talking and it will be much easier in that style when the story goes along. Trust me. And also, I don't want you to know whether he's speaking or thinking. (This will be important later on as well.) But thanks for the critique, it was very much helpful ^_^
"Just... go ahead. I'll listen this time." Your smile is like candy; your face too sweet, it makes me sick. However, I need to talk. I need to just let go and tell you because this time, you are willing to listen. Okay. It started when my name was Matthew. I lived in a wonderful house. I had a beautiful wife and a loyal dog. Everything was wonderful. Everything was perfect. Until... "Until what?" Your interjection is too loud and echoes too much in the tiny room. You demand to know and are so forceful about it. Silently and softly, I stare at you, my eyes watching with the dainty quietness of a cat as I wait for your echo to die down. Finally, I lean forward and continue. Until, I remembered what I forgot. I drop my eyes, remembering that first frightening dream. It was so real that I knew it was a memory—it couldn't be anything else. That first... it resonated with so much sinister undertones that felt so familiar. It was as if I found an old pair of jeans, still quite new in the back of my closet and found that they still fit. And when they fit, I was no longer myself. It started on our anniversary. My sweet Ellie. Dazzling eyes, such dazzling eyes. And she played herself up like an Old Hollywood movie star. She wore cute and dark clothes, big sunglasses, and her eyes... sexily peeked over the top in that perfect 'come and get it' gaze. Lips were painted red and her eyes were smoky and spoke to me as if they were fire. And when she came to me, she said, "Hey... darling..." in a seductive voice and I almost fell deep into her love. But something happened.
And it was strange! Everything. Her clothes, her eyes, her voice. It seemed that everything lined up and made this pointed arrow that shot through my head and struck the wall at the end of my memory. And when I put my eye to the hole, I saw... a scene. What I saw was what I lived and Ellie was no longer my Ellie.
A dark woman named Gloria was stretched over me. She climbed through the sheets and finally nestled by my side. I held her warmly as if she were mine. "Tobias..." she purred. And... I knew that she was addressing me. |
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