Story of the Nocturnal Moon Pack.

[tyandra]

Gather around now. I have a story I wish to tell you all. It's about a young girl and a pack called the Nocturnal Moon. Now, this is all before your time little ones. Though, I have a feeling you will love it. It started off as a normal day; the sky was scorched with red and yellow as the sunrise. Every animal awoke with his or her own song as the day began a new. The Nocturnal Moon Pack had just sent out a hunting party, the pup sitters were busy with their job as the rest of the pack. Icewind was tending to her own two pups and Crimsonpaw was busy making sure his pack and home were safe from intruders. Icewind and Crimsonpaw were the alphas in Nocturnal Moon. Crimsonpaw had chosen Steelwing and his mate, Roseflame to be beta. Steelwing and Roseflame had been with the pack ever since birth, so Crimsonpaw knew them well and knew they were loyal to the end, if it came to it. Roseflame always had a good heart and so, she choose Shade as gamma. Crimsonpaw and Steelwing were against it, but their mates proved to be the victor in that argument. "What did they look like, Grand wolf?" asked a pup. Crimsonpaw was a strong brute, with the reddest fur you had ever seen and his mate, Icewind. Well, she was a vision. Icewind was light blue, with two darker blue marks on her front legs. She might have been small framed, but that never stopped her from winning a fight. Steelwing, was the color of a gray rock, very brave and loyal, never asked questions about his missions. Steelwings mate, Roseflame however, was the opposites. Roseflame's colors were a cross between that of a red rose petal and a flame so wild, you could hardly tame it. As for Icewind's pups, a female named Icestar and her brother named Bloodwolf, looked a lot like their parents. Icestar had her mothers light blue fur, but Crimsonpaw's reddest fur highlighted the light blue coat. Bloodwolf was much like his father, his fur was redder than Crimsonpaw's, but Icewind's light blue fur tinted Bloodwolfs. These are the main characters in our story. Oh! I almost forgot, the hunters. Yes, how can I forget those ugly humans, who were so vicious and unkind. If I remember correctly, there was Norris and his friend Varian. Anyway, lets get the story.
It was morning and the hunting party was off looking for breakfast. Crimsonpaw was out with Steelwing checking terrorizes, while Icewind and Roseflame looked over the pack along with Shade. Crimsonpaw was marking a tree when the arrow missed his head. He straightened himself up and howled a warning for his pack to be on the look out. Steelwing disappeared behind from bushed as Crimsonpaw faced the human known to be as Varian.

"Hehe, here wolfie. I wont bite ya." Varian's voice was cold and careless. Crimsonpaw's fur stood on end as he growled and got into a pounce position. Steelwing was quiet and doubled around Varian. Crimsonpaw called out, "NOW!" Crimsonpaw pounced and as Varian went to take aim, Steelwing tackled him to the ground and grabbed the back of Varian's neck with his fangs. Crimsonpaw stopped his attack and smiled at Steelwing. "Nice job old friend. Now, the question is. Should I let him live?" Just when Crimsonpaw was going to make his decision, he heard Icewind and sprinted off toward the pack. Steelwing still held Varian. As Crimsonpaw got to the den he saw his beloved lying on the floor. She wasn't moving, nor breathing. Roseflame came out of the cave followed by Icestar and Bloodwolf who were both just pups. Crimsonpaw mournfully let out a howl, what was left of the other members joined in. Back with Varian, Steelwing heard the howl and let his voice soar. Varian saw this as his chance, but before he could take advantage, Steelwing was gone. Returning to the pack, Steelwing saw Icewind and nudged Roseflame lovely. "We have to move. They know our routine." Crimsonpaw's voice was shaky and even his legs looked like they were going to fall at any moment. Steelwing nodded and gathered everyone up and lead the pack to their winter spot in the mountains. Crimsonpaw followed behind, mourning his mate's life. As they reached the mountain cave, Steelwing and Crimsonpaw were the first to go in. After making sure everything was all right, Steelwing made a low howl for everyone to come in and get out of the weather. Crimsonpaw went to the back of the cave and laid down, he curled his bushing tail around him. Icestar and Bloodwolf ran inside and lay with their father, trying to cheer him up. "Father, are we going to have elk tonight?" Icestar was trying to get her father's mind on something else. "No, I want deer!" Bloodwolf thought it would be a good idea to argue with his sister. "No, elk!" "No, deer!" "Elk!" "Deer!" Crimsonpaw snapped at both of them and Icestar and Bloodwolf calmed down and whimpered and went to snuggle with Roseflame for warmth. Roseflame nudged the little ones gently and let them take shelter from their grieving father. Steelwing went to Crimsonpaw, "Do you wish me to check everything?" Crimsonpaw nodded, "Thank you Steelwing." Steel wing nodded and was off to check the terrorizes. Roseflame sent the hunting party on their way as soon as her mate left. Shade was in the corner of the cave and watching Crimsonpaw. Shade saw that Roseflame was to busy with the pups and the sitters were busy as well, so he went up to Crimsonpaw and bit his ear hard. Crimsonpaw jolted up and growled, "Are you challenging me?" Shade sat down and shrugged, "Snap out of it. You're needed, so deal." Crimsonpaw stood up proud to make Shade rethink his choice of action. "Please, you don't scare me, never did. Your pups need you. They don't need a pathetic father." Crimsonpaw lashed out and before Shade could move, Crimsonpaw had him by the neck. "Go ahead. You'll regret it later when your pups die, or Steelwing takes over." Crimsonpaw let go and walked a few steps away from Shade and sat down. "She was my life, Shade. How can I forget her?" Shade sighed, "Don't forget, just be here." Crimsonpaw nodded and lay down once more. Roseflame heard and saw all; she smiled and went back to the pup who were playing at the moment. Crimsonpaw lifted his head as Shade began to walk toward the front of the cave, "Who killed Icewind?" Shade dropped his head at the question and sighed, "Who else, the hunters." "No, which one?" Crimsonpaw only knew of Varian, so he was confused. Shade began to walk again, but in a low voice said, "Norris." Crimsonpaw tensed up a bit, hearing that name. He sighed and laid his head on his folded front paws and closed his eyes.(All character names, storyline plot are copyrighted to Tyandra)

((Need help with title.))

[mreditor]

Dec 14, 2008 18:55:50 GMT -5 @tyandra said:

Gather around now. I have a story I wish to tell you all. Its about a young girl and the pack called the Nocturnal Moon. Now, this is all before your time little ones. Though, I have a feeling you will love it. It started off as a normal day; the sky was scorched with red and yellow as the sunrise. Every animal awoke with his or her own song as the day began a new. The Nocturnal Moon Pack had just sent out a hunting party, the pup sitters were busy with their job as the rest of the pack. Icewind was tending to her own two pups and Crimsonpaw was busy making sure his pack and home were safe from intruders. Icewind and Crimsonpaw were the alphas in Nocturnal Moon. Crimsonpaw had chosen Steelwing and his mate, Roseflame to be beta. Steelwing and Roseflame had been with the pack ever since birth, so Crimsonpaw knew them well and knew they were loyal to the end, if it came to it. Roseflame always had a good heart and so, she choose Shade as gamma. Crimsonpaw and Steelwing were against it, but their mates proved to be the victor in that argument. "What did they look like, Grand wolf?" asked a pup. Crimsonpaw was a strong brute, with the reddest fur you had ever seen and his mate, Icewind. Well, she was a vision. Icewind was light blue, with two darker blue marks on her front legs. She might have been small framed, but that never stopped her from winning a fight. Steelwing, was the color of a gray rock, very brave and loyal, never asked questions about his missions. Steelwings mate, Roseflame however, was the opposites. Roseflame's colors were a cross between that of a red rose petal and a flame so wild, you could hardly tame it. As for Icewind's pups, a female named Icestar and her brother named Bloodwolf, looked a lot like their parents. Icestar had her mothers light blue fur, but Crimsonpaw's reddest fur highlighted the light blue coat. Bloodwolf was much like his father, his fur was redder than Crimsonpaw's, but Icewind's light blue fur tinted Bloodwolfs. These are the main characters in our story. Oh! I almost forgot, the hunters. Yes, how can I forget those ugly humans, who were so vicious and unkind. If I remember correctly, there was Norris and his friend Varian. Anyway, lets get the story.
It was morning and the hunting party was off looking for breakfast. Crimsonpaw was out with Steelwing checking terrorizes, while Icewind and Roseflame looked over the pack along with Shade. Crimsonpaw was marking a tree when the arrow missed his head. He straightened himself up and howled a warning for his pack to be on the look out. Steelwing disappeared behind from bushed as Crimsonpaw faced the human known to be as Varian.

"Hehe, here wolfie. I wont bite ya." Varian's voice was cold and careless. Crimsonpaw's fur stood on end as he growled and got into a pounce position. Steelwing was quiet and doubled around Varian. Crimsonpaw called out, "NOW!" Crimsonpaw pounced and as Varian went to take aim, Steelwing tackled him to the ground and grabbed the back of Varian's neck with his fangs. Crimsonpaw stopped his attack and smiled at Steelwing. "Nice job old friend. Now, the question is. Should I let him live?" Just when Crimsonpaw was going to make his decision, he heard Icewind and sprinted off toward the pack. Steelwing still held Varian. As Crimsonpaw got to the den he saw his beloved lying on the floor. She wasn't moving, nor breathing. Roseflame came out of the cave followed by Icestar and Bloodwolf who were both just pups. Crimsonpaw mournfully let out a howl, what was left of the other members joined in. Back with Varian, Steelwing heard the howl and let his voice soar. Varian saw this as his chance, but before he could take advantage, Steelwing was gone. Returning to the pack, Steelwing saw Icewind and nudged Roseflame lovely. "We have to move. They know our routine." Crimsonpaw's voice was shaky and even his legs looked like they were going to fall at any moment. Steelwing nodded and gathered everyone up and lead the pack to their winter spot in the mountains. Crimsonpaw followed behind, mourning his mate's life. As they reached the mountain cave, Steelwing and Crimsonpaw were the first to go in. After making sure everything was all right, Steelwing made a low howl for everyone to come in and get out of the weather. Crimsonpaw went to the back of the cave and laid down, he curled his bushing tail around him. Icestar and Bloodwolf ran inside and lay with their father, trying to cheer him up. "Father, are we going to have elk tonight?" Icestar was trying to get her father's mind on something else. "No, I want deer!" Bloodwolf thought it would be a good idea to argue with his sister. "No, elk!" "No, deer!" "Elk!" "Deer!" Crimsonpaw snapped at both of them and Icestar and Bloodwolf calmed down and whimpered and went to snuggle with Roseflame for warmth. Roseflame nudged the little ones gently and let them take shelter from their grieving father. Steelwing went to Crimsonpaw, "Do you wish me to check everything?" Crimsonpaw nodded, "Thank you Steelwing." Steel wing nodded and was off to check the terrorizes. Roseflame sent the hunting party on their way as soon as her mate left. Shade was in the corner of the cave and watching Crimsonpaw. Shade saw that Roseflame was to busy with the pups and the sitters were busy as well, so he went up to Crimsonpaw and bit his ear hard. Crimsonpaw jolted up and growled, "Are you challenging me?" Shade sat down and shrugged, "Snap out of it. You're needed, so deal." Crimsonpaw stood up proud to make Shade rethink his choice of action. "Please, you don't scare me, never did. Your pups need you. They don't need a pathetic father." Crimsonpaw lashed out and before Shade could move, Crimsonpaw had him by the neck. "Go ahead. You'll regret it later when your pups die, or Steelwing takes over." Crimsonpaw let go and walked a few steps away from Shade and sat down. "She was my life, Shade. How can I forget her?" Shade sighed, "Don't forget, just be here." Crimsonpaw nodded and lay down once more. Roseflame heard and saw all; she smiled and went back to the pup who were playing at the moment. Crimsonpaw lifted his head as Shade began to walk toward the front of the cave, "Who killed Icewind?" Shade dropped his head at the question and sighed, "Who else, the hunters." "No, which one?" Crimsonpaw only knew of Varian, so he was confused. Shade began to walk again, but in a low voice said, "Norris." Crimsonpaw tensed up a bit, hearing that name. He sighed and laid his head on his folded front paws and closed his eyes.(All character names, storyline plot are copyrighted to Tyandra)

((Need help with title.))

"Its" should be punctuated, it's.

"The" would be gramaticlly incorrect, use "A" instead.

[tyandra]

Thanks. I didn't see those errors. Anything else you can comment on?

[nucky]

Dec 14, 2008 18:55:50 GMT -5 @tyandra said:

Gather around now. I have a story I wish to tell you all. It's about a young girl and a pack called the Nocturnal Moon. Now, this is all before your time, little ones. Though, I have a feeling you will love it. It started off as a normal day; the sky was scorched with red and yellow as the sun rose. Every animal awoke with his or her own song as the day began anew. The Nocturnal Moon Pack had just sent out a hunting party; the pup sitters were busy with their job as the rest of the pack. Icewind was tending to her own two pups, and Crimsonpaw was busy making sure his pack and home were safe from intruders. Icewind and Crimsonpaw were the alphas in Nocturnal Moon.

Crimsonpaw had chosen Steelwing and his mate [deleted comma] Roseflame to be beta. Steelwing and Roseflame had been with the pack ever since birth. So, Crimsonpaw knew them well and knew they were loyal to the end, if it came to it. Roseflame always had a good heart and so, she choose Shade as gamma. Crimsonpaw and Steelwing were against it, but their mates proved to be the victor in that argument.

"What did they look like, Grand wolf?" asked a pup.

Crimsonpaw was a strong brute, with the reddest fur you had ever seen and his mate, Icewind. Well, she was a vision. Icewind was light blue, with two darker blue marks on her front legs. She might have been small framed, but that never stopped her from winning a fight. Steelwing [comma deleted] was the color of a gray rock, very brave and loyal, and never asked questions about his missions. Steelwing's mate, Roseflame, however, was the opposite. Roseflame's colors were a cross between that of a red rose petal and a flame so wild that you could hardly tame it. As for Icewind's pups, a female named Icestar and her brother named Bloodwolf, they looked a lot like their parents. Icestar had her mother's light blue fur, but Crimsonpaw's reddest fur highlighted the light blue coat. Bloodwolf was much like his father, with fur redder than Crimsonpaw's, but Icewind's light blue fur tinted Bloodwolf's. These are the main characters in our story.

Oh! I almost forgot, the hunters. Yes, how can I forget those ugly humans, who were so vicious and unkind? If I remember correctly, there was Norris and his friend Varian. Anyway, let's get to the story.

It was morning and the hunting party was off looking for breakfast. Crimsonpaw was out with Steelwing checking territories, while Icewind and Roseflame looked over the pack along with Shade. Crimsonpaw was marking a tree when the arrow missed his head. He straightened himself up and howled a warning for his pack to be on the look out. Steelwing disappeared behind a bush as Crimsonpaw faced the human known [deleted words] as Varian.

"Hehe, here wolfie. I won't bite ya." Varian's voice was cold and careless. Crimsonpaw's fur stood on end as he growled and got into a pounce position. Steelwing was quiet and doubled around Varian. Crimsonpaw called out, "NOW!" Crimsonpaw pounced and as Varian went to take aim, Steelwing tackled him to the ground and grabbed the back of Varian's neck with his fangs.

Crimsonpaw stopped his attack and smiled at Steelwing. "Nice job old friend. Now, the question is. Should I let him live?"

Just when Crimsonpaw was going to make his decision, he heard Icewind and sprinted off toward the pack. Steelwing still held Varian. As Crimsonpaw got to the den, he saw his beloved lying on the floor. She wasn't moving or breathing. Roseflame came out of the cave followed by Icestar and Bloodwolf who were both just pups.

Crimsonpaw mournfully let out a howl, and what was left of the other members joined in. Back with Varian, Steelwing heard the howl and let his voice soar. Varian saw this as his chance, but before he could take advantage, Steelwing was gone. Returning to the pack, Steelwing saw Icewind and nudged Roseflame lovingly.

"We have to move. They know our routine," Crimsonpaw's voice was shaky, and [deleted word] his legs looked like they were going to fall at any moment. Steelwing nodded and gathered everyone up and led the pack to their winter spot in the mountains. Crimsonpaw followed behind, mourning his mate's life.

As they reached the mountain cave, Steelwing and Crimsonpaw were the first to go in. After making sure everything was all right, Steelwing made a low howl for everyone to come in and get out of the weather. Crimsonpaw went to the back of the cave and laid down; he curled his bushy tail around himself.

Icestar and Bloodwolf ran inside and laid with their father, trying to cheer him up. "Father, are we going to have elk tonight?" Icestar was trying to get her father's mind on something else.

"No, I want deer!" Bloodwolf thought it would be a good idea to argue with his sister.
"No, elk!"
"No, deer!"
"Elk!"
"Deer!"

Crimsonpaw snapped at both of them, and Icestar and Bloodwolf calmed down and whimpered and went to snuggle with Roseflame for warmth. Roseflame nudged the little ones gently and let them take shelter from their grieving father.

Steelwing went to Crimsonpaw, "Do you wish me to check everything?"

Crimsonpaw nodded, "Thank you Steelwing."

Steel wing nodded and was off to check the territories. Roseflame sent the hunting party on their way as soon as her mate left. Shade was in the corner of the cave and watching Crimsonpaw. Shade saw that Roseflame was to busy with the pups and the sitters were busy as well, so he went up to Crimsonpaw and bit his ear hard.

Crimsonpaw jolted up and growled, "Are you challenging me?"

Shade sat down and shrugged, "Snap out of it. You're needed, so deal."

Crimsonpaw stood up proud to make Shade rethink his choice of action.

"Please, you don't scare me, never did. Your pups need you. They don't need a pathetic father." Crimsonpaw lashed out and before Shade could move, Crimsonpaw had him by the neck. "Go ahead. You'll regret it later when your pups die, or Steelwing takes over."

Crimsonpaw let go and walked a few steps away from Shade and sat down. "She was my life, Shade. How can I forget her?"

Shade sighed, "Don't forget, just be here."

Crimsonpaw nodded and lay down once more. Roseflame heard and saw all; she smiled and went back to the pups who were playing at the moment.

Crimsonpaw lifted his head as Shade began to walk towards the front of the cave, "Who killed Icewind?"

Shade dropped his head at the question and sighed, "Who else? The hunters."

"No, which one?" Crimsonpaw only knew of Varian, so he was confused.

Shade began to walk again, but in a low voice said, "Norris."

Crimsonpaw tensed up a bit, hearing that name. He sighed, laid his head on his folded front paws, and closed his eyes.

(All character names, storyline plot are copyrighted to Tyandra)

((Need help with title.))

Wonderful story ^_^

Corrected items are in red as the correction (deletions are marked).
Ask me if you want to know why.
Navy items are things that made little sense or need to be worked on whether the word choice was poor or the sentence structure was poor.

All in all...

• break up those paragraphs! When posting, since tabs aren't kept, you have to press enter twice between paragraphs to prevent your story from looking like a giant wall of text. This makes it easier to read.

• rules of quotations: new speaker, new paragraph

• ahem, you should probably use pronouns as saying "Crimsonpaw" over and over sounds choppy. You can use: The Alpha, the crimson wolf, the red hued wolf, etc. You had a whole paragraph describing him, use it ^_^

• now, sentence structure was very, very choppy

EX:
Steelwing nodded and was off to check the territories. Roseflame sent the hunting party on their way as soon as her mate left. Shade was in the corner of the cave and watching Crimsonpaw. Shade saw that Roseflame was to busy with the pups and the sitters were busy as well, so he went up to Crimsonpaw and bit his ear hard.

try to let it flow better. Vary sentence structure. Have some long ones, some short ones, and describe the situation as best as you can without rambling.

EX:
Steelwing nodded and hurried to check the territories. His mate Roseflame sent the hunters for food as soon as he left. The Beta female then turned her attention to the pups, consoling them and taking care of them. Meanwhile, in the corner of the cave, Shade watched the pack's hysteria try to take control of itself. The Betas were attempting to patch things up, but Shade knew the root of the problem: a pack couldn't stand without a level-headed Alpha. He watched Crimsonpaw carefully and finally summed up the courage to do the unthinkable. The Gamma walked up to his Alpha and bit his ear hard.

[tyandra]

I see what your talking about and thank you for bring them up. I might take that creative writing class after all. lol Just to help me out.