Post by Owl on Mar 9, 2009 14:28:08 GMT -5
I did not write this. This was taken from ANYA NOKOV AT Notebook Ink. notebookink.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rules&action=display&thread=5341
i take no credit of this!
Excerpt
Folding down they're umbbrella, Joan and her husband Jack walked into church. It was a unussual cold day for May as the rain poured heavy outside, splashing onto the pavement and drowning flowers.
“Mister and Misses Steel!” a young voice screamed.
Joan and Jack turned there heads and say a young boy coming towards them. He had short, blond bangs and glassses on.
“Leon!” Joan exclamed.
Very Bad Critiquing: Example One.
Interesting.
Bad Critiquing: Example Two.
I like it. I can sorta see the characters and I can picture the setting.
Mediocre Critiquing: Example Three
You've written the setting quite well in my opinion. I can imagine where the characters are as well as what they look like. The introduction of Leon seemed a bit blunt in my opinion, like it was almost too soon, but that might just be my opinion. ~ Keep writing.
Good Critiquing: Example Four
Folding down their umbrella, Joan and her husband Jack walked into church. It was an unusual cold day for May as the rain poured heavy outside, splashing onto the pavement and drowning flowers.
“Mister and Misses Steel!” a young voice screamed.
Joan and Jack turned their heads and saw a young boy coming towards them. He had short, blond bangs and glasses on.
“Leon!” Joan exclaimed. You say exclaimed here as though she is happy to see him but above you say the boy screamed. I'd advise putting in a little more emotion. Is the boy angry? Is he calling for help?
Good start, I like the introduction of the weather it places a good setting especially in the church -- almost like an eerie feeling. I'm not sure if it's suppose to be like that. I would recommend describing a little bit better though. Like what Leon looks like it seemed vague and lazyish.
Very Good Critiquing: Example Five
Folding down their umbrella, Joan and her husband Jack walked into church. It was an unusual cold When I think cold I think February, snow, below freezing. Because it's raining and is in May I'd recommend the word 'cool' day for May as the rain poured heavy outside, Well obviously the rain would be pouring outside unless the roof is leaking. I'd maybe reword this sentence to something like . . . as the rain poured heavily, splashing onto the pavement and drowning [the?] flowers outside.
“Mister and Misses Steel!” a young voice screamed. I'd say 'exclaimed' or since Joan exclaims his name down below maybe he should say 'began', 'started' just not screamed. Or you could even say 'a young voice exclaimed' and then change 'Joan exclaimed' to 'began' 'started' etc.
Joan and Jack turned their heads and saw a young boy coming towards them. He had short, blond bangs and glasses on. Maybe some exposition? This is too short and a bit lazyish in my opinion. Maybe a sentence something like . . .'His short, blond bangs dangled just below his eyebrows as he sprinted towards them. Taking his glasses off of his face a large scar was revealed beneath his eye.' -- I know you didn't mention a scar or anything but you could change it to zit or mole or something and it can give more characterization as well as add to his looks. A scar will allow the readers to conclude he was in some sort of accident. A zit the readers will conclude he's a teenager. See what I mean?
“Leon!” Joan exclaimed. When I first read this when you wrote 'exclaimed' I wasn't sure if she was happy to see him because above you say the boy screamed. That's why I'd advise changing screamed to began -- unless the boy is angry sorry the thought just dawned on me. If the boy is angry put more emotion into it. Was his face crinkled was he stomping. Or could he be calling for help? See how something small can confuse a reader
This was alright for a first draft quite a few grammar errors but not too munch punctuations *hands over cookie* some sentences do need some work but over all I think it is a good start. Be careful of your spelling though I found quite a few mistakes. As of write now I don't want to say too much about your story because you only posted a small excerpt. Keep writing ^.^
i take no credit of this!
Excerpt
Folding down they're umbbrella, Joan and her husband Jack walked into church. It was a unussual cold day for May as the rain poured heavy outside, splashing onto the pavement and drowning flowers.
“Mister and Misses Steel!” a young voice screamed.
Joan and Jack turned there heads and say a young boy coming towards them. He had short, blond bangs and glassses on.
“Leon!” Joan exclamed.
Very Bad Critiquing: Example One.
Interesting.
Bad Critiquing: Example Two.
I like it. I can sorta see the characters and I can picture the setting.
Mediocre Critiquing: Example Three
You've written the setting quite well in my opinion. I can imagine where the characters are as well as what they look like. The introduction of Leon seemed a bit blunt in my opinion, like it was almost too soon, but that might just be my opinion. ~ Keep writing.
Good Critiquing: Example Four
Folding down their umbrella, Joan and her husband Jack walked into church. It was an unusual cold day for May as the rain poured heavy outside, splashing onto the pavement and drowning flowers.
“Mister and Misses Steel!” a young voice screamed.
Joan and Jack turned their heads and saw a young boy coming towards them. He had short, blond bangs and glasses on.
“Leon!” Joan exclaimed. You say exclaimed here as though she is happy to see him but above you say the boy screamed. I'd advise putting in a little more emotion. Is the boy angry? Is he calling for help?
Good start, I like the introduction of the weather it places a good setting especially in the church -- almost like an eerie feeling. I'm not sure if it's suppose to be like that. I would recommend describing a little bit better though. Like what Leon looks like it seemed vague and lazyish.
Very Good Critiquing: Example Five
Folding down their umbrella, Joan and her husband Jack walked into church. It was an unusual cold When I think cold I think February, snow, below freezing. Because it's raining and is in May I'd recommend the word 'cool' day for May as the rain poured heavy outside, Well obviously the rain would be pouring outside unless the roof is leaking. I'd maybe reword this sentence to something like . . . as the rain poured heavily, splashing onto the pavement and drowning [the?] flowers outside.
“Mister and Misses Steel!” a young voice screamed. I'd say 'exclaimed' or since Joan exclaims his name down below maybe he should say 'began', 'started' just not screamed. Or you could even say 'a young voice exclaimed' and then change 'Joan exclaimed' to 'began' 'started' etc.
Joan and Jack turned their heads and saw a young boy coming towards them. He had short, blond bangs and glasses on. Maybe some exposition? This is too short and a bit lazyish in my opinion. Maybe a sentence something like . . .'His short, blond bangs dangled just below his eyebrows as he sprinted towards them. Taking his glasses off of his face a large scar was revealed beneath his eye.' -- I know you didn't mention a scar or anything but you could change it to zit or mole or something and it can give more characterization as well as add to his looks. A scar will allow the readers to conclude he was in some sort of accident. A zit the readers will conclude he's a teenager. See what I mean?
“Leon!” Joan exclaimed. When I first read this when you wrote 'exclaimed' I wasn't sure if she was happy to see him because above you say the boy screamed. That's why I'd advise changing screamed to began -- unless the boy is angry sorry the thought just dawned on me. If the boy is angry put more emotion into it. Was his face crinkled was he stomping. Or could he be calling for help? See how something small can confuse a reader
This was alright for a first draft quite a few grammar errors but not too munch punctuations *hands over cookie* some sentences do need some work but over all I think it is a good start. Be careful of your spelling though I found quite a few mistakes. As of write now I don't want to say too much about your story because you only posted a small excerpt. Keep writing ^.^
