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Post by catcouger30 on Feb 2, 2009 18:21:33 GMT -5
Yeah, I've been finding some errors myself and fixing them as I go along ^^
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Post by catcouger30 on Feb 3, 2009 17:38:32 GMT -5
The first two pages of chapter 1 ^^
You all wanted suspense, so in this chapter I'm deliberately keeping all the info of the main character as I can from you all. : D
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Chapter I
Thunder echoed through the mountains as rain fell hard hitting the ground in a thunderous beat, above that noise though, footsteps could be heard splashing through the puddles. Someone was running, but who? Why? It was a tall man who looked like he might be in his twenties, he wore a white trench coat and white pants. His red eyes pierced through the darkness.
The man ran relentlessly, until he came to rest by a giant oak tree that stood at the edge of a cliff. “I'd rather not talk! Go away!” he huffed as he tried to regain his breath. One might be able to tell that he was emotionally upset simply by looking at his face. He turned around to look at whoever had followed him, now standing up straight with tears rolling down his face.
Another man who didn't look much older, stepped forward with a sword in his right hand, resting it on his shoulder. “That is enough Blaze! What happened, happened and that's all there is to it!” he gave an angry expression. His hair was a bright red color and long enough to sling into a pony tail. “Now if you won't listen to reason then, put up your sword and we can fight.!” Blaze knew that this man was often sarcastic and liked to joke around a lot. This time, he really was serious.
“Why should I? You. . . you don't understand how I feel!” everything went quiet as he said this. Blaze looked at the man who had once been his teacher, then his partner in battle.
Raizex gave a sorrowful laugh before he spoke again, “Blaze, of course I know how you feel. I have lost probably more friends then you'd know in a life time.” he paused and his brown eyes wandered. “It's something that we must deal with, running away however, will not heal your sorrow.” he brought his sword down from his shoulder, and brought it into the fighting position. “Now, pick up your sword!”
You'd better do it Blaze, you know what will happen if you don't, came a voice from above his head. It was a pure white eagle that seemed to be circling him from the air. You must get rid of some of that anger bottled up inside! This is the perfect way to do it!
Blaze drew his sword, but it fell to the ground as he himself landed on his knees in agonizing pain. His head moved to look where Raizex was standing. “You are injured,” he observed. “With an injury like that, I'm surprised you were able to run as far as you did. But despite your injury, pick up that sword!” After the recent events, Raizex felt no need to give his friend mercy.
“I. . . don't want to fight you,” Blaze muttered as he stood up. He meant these words, how could he fight one friend after loosing another? “But. . . if I don't, then I loose Aizura forever,” Blaze picked up the sword he had dropped with the opposite hand, he could still fight.
Careful Raizex, you know he's injured. Go easy on the guy, a black unicorn came to stand beside Raizex, seeming very concerned about what was happening.
“Stand back Shadow, you'd only get in the way,” without waiting for even a second, Raizex swung his blade and lightning came from the tip. Almost hitting Blaze who had barely enough time to dodge. “Come on Blaze, I know you can do better then that.”
What was I supposed to do? You threw lightning at me without any warning, Blaze thought to himself, trying to suppress his emotions.
As if reading Blaze's mind, Raizex said, “use your instincts. You remember Blaze? This all goes back to when I was training you!” rather then lifting his sword, this time he lifted his left hand and made a half fist, out of which fire was formed. He threw it in Blaze's direction, who once again, dodged it. “Come, come Blaze. You can't dodge every time.” Raizex made a quick gesture and under Blaze, the earth began to rise.
This time it was impossible to dodge, Blaze instinctively jumped up and used his sword to block tiny shards of dirt that were nearly as sharp as his blade. Without thinking he spun around in the air creating a swirling twister. This acted as a deflective shield and flung what was left of the shards, directly at Raizex. Raizex however, stood there with a smile of satisfaction on his face, “well done, you deflected my shards.” Raizex manipulated the tiny rain drops into forming a wall of water that immediately turned the shards into mud which then fell to the ground.
Blaze landed on his feet and didn't hesitate to fire off the next attack, he created a freezing current of air around himself, turning the drops of water into sharp icicles. With a sweep of his sword, they flung at Raizex who blocked them with a wall of fire he was able to create in an instant. This was almost the extent of what Blaze could manage, blood now dripping from his right arm, his sword arm. He refused to give up however and simply charged this time, at Raizex.
“Not wise Blaze,” he stepped to the side, easily dodging the attack. Their swords clinked together, creating a metallic sound. “I believe that is enough for one day.” He put his sword in the sheath the rested on his sword belt around his waist. In a more gentle voice he said, “there are kids now who need your guidance Blaze, this is why I refuse to go easy on you. Who knows what might happen if we end up in another situation like this.” his voice trailed off into space. Blaze was unconscious, but still standing? “No wonder!” he said in surprise. “Your wound is deep, we must get that healed.”
Shadow walked over from the place he thought was safe enough to watch the fight from. I'll carry him, put the guy on my back. The unicorn knelt down on his four lags to make it easier as Raizex struggled to get his friend onto the unicorn's back.
{Tell me if you think I need more to this battle, I can easily arrange that *evil grins*}
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Post by Owl on Feb 4, 2009 15:15:36 GMT -5
i completely loved the story, buti think you need to make the battle more intence.
overall 2 thumbs up. just more intense.
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Post by catcouger30 on Feb 4, 2009 15:28:56 GMT -5
^^ lol I've started working on the battle more. As well as adding in a few parts for Shaike {The unicorn's new name} and Aizura.
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Post by Owl on Feb 4, 2009 15:34:32 GMT -5
lol i thinm shadow was fine.
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Post by catcouger30 on Feb 4, 2009 16:01:12 GMT -5
Nah, I got an opinion from someone on my writing forum, she said to be more creative with names. I was actually just using Shadow as a substitute name until I could think of something better. ^^
And I personally like the new name I came up with : p
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Post by Owl on Feb 4, 2009 16:37:56 GMT -5
you should use a name genorator!
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Post by catcouger30 on Feb 4, 2009 16:43:05 GMT -5
Lol, that's a good idea ^^
I'm fairly good at coming up with unique names though. Shaike happens to be one of the few unique names I've thought of that I actually like O.O;
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Post by Owl on Feb 5, 2009 15:51:22 GMT -5
i suk at it... lol
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Post by daisyflower on Mar 23, 2009 14:42:19 GMT -5
I was honestly hooked within the first paragraph! I love how descriptive you are, it really helps to paint a picturein your mind!
A suggestion though, is to perhaps break it up a bit when it switches to Blaze's point of view when he is at school. Maybe you could use a few stars or something. (:
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